Watching my friends deal with their toddler has helped the boy and I realize that we are so on the same page when it comes to how we are going to raise our kids, if we ever have any. I can’t judge my friends for what they are doing, as they are doing what they feel is best for them, but it’s not the way I would want to do it. After a visit with them, or a day after work as the boy works with both parents, we both end up talking about what we would do different.
I love my friends and I love their kid, I just don’t agree with what they are doing. A lot of times it seems that they are just creating more problems and stress on themselves, which they end up taking out on other things. Of course we could never tell them that they are wrong, or rather that we feel they are wrong, because unless they are physically hurting or emotionally abusing the kid, you just can’t. Everyone parents differently. Plus he’s a happy, highly energetic little boy. Their style just isn’t ours. And that’s ok. It’s been good for us because we can talk about what we would do differently and it’s helped us see that we’re completely on the same page.
Their parenting style is attachment parenting. This means that the kid sleeps in their bed, is pretty much in mom’s arms (or dad when he’s home), breast fed for a while (which I agree with), and picked up whenever he cries, no matter the reason. They don’t want him to feel alone or unloved. And there lies our problem because they pick him up and cuddle and kiss no matter why he’s crying. He can be upset because he fell or upset because he didn’t get his way and he’ll get coddled. I just don’t see how that’s good for a kid. I was there the other day, doing my laundry as our washer was having drain issues. I was playing with the kid like I normally do- basically watching him run around and stuff. At one point in time, he was going after something he wasn’t supposed to. We all said no, you can’t have that. He got upset, started to pout and cry, and mom picked him up and soothed him, thus teaching that whenever he doesn’t get his way, he can just cry and all will be fine. That just doesn’t work for me. At all. (He’s 18 months old and understands no and all that perfectly. Plus he knows what he’s doing.) They just can’t stand to see him cry. They feel that if they let him cry, he’ll feel unloved. From a different point of view that just seems to be spoiling the kid and starting to turn him into a brat who will always get his way.
It’s frustrating to see that and knowing that you can’t say or do anything about that. Mom already gets crap from other people for the way she does things. We can’t add on to the pile, even though we agree with the others. It wouldn’t be right. So we don’t say anything to them and just talk about it afterwards.
And then there’s the abandonment issue. Mom’s sister lives with them for now, and she’s used as a babysitter for short periods of time as she lives with them. They won’t let anyone else watch the kid though, as they don’t want anyone else to have to deal with him. (Their words.) They also feel that if he’s asleep or whatever and wakes up and realizes that mom and dad aren’t there, he’ll feel abandoned and be traumatized forever and feel unloved. (Also their words. We asked about that one night when offering to baby-sit.They don’t trust anyone but themselves.) Doesn’t matter if they come back. To me, that just doesn’t seem right. It’s a little extreme, in my opinion. We’ve offered to baby-sit tons of times. He knows us well and loves playing with us. We end up watching him half the time at the restaurant or at their house but they won’t leave him and go out because they don’t want us to deal with his tantrums. It’s frustrating to see that, because they need breaks but they won’t give it to themselves because they don’t want to burden anyone else. They’re afraid to let go, even for just a little bit.
I hate feeling like I’m attacking someone for doing things differently than I would. It’s just that their style is nowhere near what ours would be. And it’s hard to deal with sometimes, especially when they complain about things that could be dealt with so differently, but they won’t because they’re afraid of messing up their kid. I know it’s hard being a parent, harder than I know at the moment. But it’s hard being a friend too and watching them.
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3 comments:
Well, I don't know about all the labels people are attaching to things these days but co-sleeping is not necessarily attachment parenting. Most of the world outside of the European countries & N.A. co-sleep and breast feed for significant periods of time (not to mention toilet train their kids at least 2 years ahead of American schedule). My mom said co-sleeping helped establish proper sleep patterns and made life 10 times easier in terms of getting up in the middle of the night. The only one it didn't work for was my older sister and she trickled out dying over a couple of years and was sick right out of the hospital so it probably wasn't linked to the co-sleeping to begin with. We were both out of their bed by the time we were 8 or 9 months old and by the time I can "remember" (3 or 4), my sister and I were sleeping together in a big double-bed.
Letting a kid get his way all the time is just retarded, though. You're setting yourself up for a I-want-that-monster.
Attachment parenting, as far as I can tell, sucks fetid donkey dongs.
Your friends are using all the AP buzzwords. Unfortunately, a few of my friends have been on the AP bandwagon. For the first couple of years, I had to abandon them, sadly, at a time when they probably could have used a few loyal friends. However, listening to them natter on about the benefits of AP and the establishment of an infallible trust blah blah made me want to ram knitting needles in my ears.
I'm sorry that your friends have been afflicted with this madness. On the upside, my friend whose kid is almost 3 (or is it 4???) just had a new kid like 2 days ago. As far as I can see, a lot of the AP stuff is being ditched, so there is hope for recovery.
Mostly I think AP reassures the parents (not the kid) and saves them from a certain amount of that piercing infant scream.
Yeah, I really think it's more about them than it is about the kid.
As for the co-sleeping, it hasn't helped establish sleep patterns. He doesn't really sleep through the night at all and is wrecking their sleep, which in turn affects the restaurant. It's a vicious cycle. I don't have a problem with it, it's just that they won't let him sleep alone.
Yeah, I'm waiting to see what happens when they have a new kid in 9 months. I don't know though. THey plan to homeschool too. Never going to let go.
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